Stella's Diary Ramblings after Greece
by lovlyangl
Summary: Do you ever imagine yourself in your best friends arms? I did. Let me tell you about it... Each diary entry will be posted after each epi. We start in Greece and end when CSI:NY runs its last episode. Rated "T" for now. May change later. Reviews Welcome
1. Grounds for Deception

**Stella's Diary Ramblings after Greece.**

**by MacsLovlyAngl (lovlyangl)**

**I do not own the characters of CSI:NY. Just the ramblings.**

**Diary notes that begin with Greece but will end with the final season of CSI:NY. After each Epi, Stella will add her personal thoughts on her and Mac.  
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**Dear Diary... May 13th 2009**

Do you ever imagine yourself in your best friends arms? I did. Funny now I think about it how we allow our dreams to take us where we would never dare to go when awake. Anyway... let me tell you about it...

His name is detective Mac Taylor and he's my partner. I've known him for ten years. That's right, ten long years and within that time he has become friend, confidant and brother of my heart. Or so I thought.

I can laugh about it now, cause going back on it I realize how silly I was to think he was the brother type. God... sometimes life tosses us up like a salad and doesn't know when to stop. Anyway... I digress again. Please bare with me through this story as Mac has a way of making me lose more then my thoughts.

It started out when I tossed my badge onto his desk. That's right... down on his desk while looking into his tempered eyes. Eyes that were as angry as mine. Storming out I booked a flight to Greece and left New York behind. I guess by now you are wondering why. So let me tell you...

Mac was angry with me for working on Diakos case. You see... he found out I was the one that made the anonymous call about finding the body of Sebastian Diakos, after he had ordered me to drop the case. But you know me. I was too bloody stubborn to listen. Oh... then there was the art work that hung in my office. Imagine how I felt when I found out it was stolen art from Greece.

That's right... stolen. Papakota gave it too me as a gift. Looking at the back of it, I noticed a stamp for the Ancient Macedon Museum and that is how I realized it was stolen. So I tore it from the frame and took off to Greece to return it. Problem was... Mac wasn't far behind. It seems after I left, he checked my office and found the torn up paper from the frame. Along with the stamp that allowed him to piece the words together. Now that he knew where I was headed he decided to follow.

Now here we are together in Greece as we speak to Detective Temmas and Areti Moungri, a museum curator who informs us the painting was one stolen from her museum. I explain to her that I had no idea it was stolen. Temmas then tells me not to leave the country. I mean can you imagine? Boy was I worried. I thought for sure they were going to nail me for it.

_Anyway... I digress again. I hope you don't mind. It's just I have so much to tell and the excitement of this leaves me thrilled, yet sad at the same time. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back..._

When Mac and I left Detective Temmas and Areti Moungri we headed over to get Mac settled in the Hotel I was staying at. While he called home to New York, I headed to my own room to relax. Little did I know I had company waiting for me. That's right... Tasso. Papakota's brother in my room, attacking me. I thought for sure I was finished, but you know me. I fought tooth and nail. Would have had him too, till Mac walked in and seen him.

That's when Tasso tossed me from his arms into Mac's. And oh boy... I felt the electricity soar through me from his heated hands as they wrapped protectively around me. I think that was the first time I realized feelings like this didn't come from a brother type. No way... it was more then that and damn... did it scare me to have our relationship change that quickly.

Placing me down we both ran out to the balcony but it was too late. Tasso was gone. Thinking back to my conversations with Papakota I remember the peach tree filled lands that were lost to the government. Informing Mac about it, we decided to decipher the pesticide using a little trick Mac had learned and that lead us to Papkota land and the tomb of Alexander.

When Mac and I arrived we found Papakota and Tasso with the valuables from the grave. As Mac and I watch them, Tasso fires his gun at Mac and then flees. Chasing him on foot, Mac leaves me behind with Papakota. As I question him with anger he informs me that he was returning the artifacts. But I can't believe him. I just can't. Not when he lied to me all these years about not knowing my mother. As we continue to argue Tasso fires at me but Papakota turns and takes the hit.

As he dies in my arms, he admits that he loved my mother and that he was returning the artifacts to the land. Holding him tight in my arms as he continues to ramble I feel him take his last breath. Rocking back and forth now, I cry with him upon my lap. Then I feel Mac's hands grip my arms as he pulls me up. Turning I place my arms around him and cry, soaking his shirt from all the pain and lies that had been told.

Leaving Greece behind Mac and I say goodbye to Detective Temmas before heading back to New York. Boarding the plane we have a quiet flight back neither of us willing to admit that something had changed between us. Landing in New York Mac and I part ways for a few hours. While I head home to change. Mac heads back to the office to close the file on our case.

Later that afternoon I return to Mac's office where we sit down with coffee and talk. Reaching over I turn over his cup reading his coffee grinds as he asks me what they say. Looking at him with a smirk I say... _"well Mac it involves a woman. See, this woman seems as though you have something that belongs to her. This item is gold and is worth far more in honor than fortune."_

I remember his smile as he hands me my badge and I continue..._ "You know, I don't need coffee grounds to see how lucky I am to have you in my life Mac."_ Never will I forget the intensity of his face, for this was when Mac himself realized our friendship had indeed changed, for not only did he blush at my words, he also changed the subject by saying... _okay, okay... what do you have in yours?_

Laughing I move in closer as I say..._" See that right there, Mac? That's an S for Stella the woman in your life who sometimes you adore and sometimes drives you crazy."_ So yeah... this is the story where Mac and I felt the change in our friendship begin. Will we be able to decide where to take it? Maybe someday in the future or possibly sooner, if I have anything to say about it.

Anyway... I should let you go for now I hear Mac calling me for our next crime scene. I'll be sure to keep in touch and add to this little diary for you. This way you can all read and feel the change as I write it in this little book. Until then, take care and I'll talk to you soon...

Stella.


	2. Payup

**Pay-Up**

**Dear Diary May 14th 2009**

Well... here I am again. As promised. I have another entry to share with you. Please forgive me if it's short, as I'm in my car before heading over to our local bar to toast a loss. Anyway... please bare with me as it hurts so much to talk about this event right now. Um...

We had a death within our CSI family today. One of our wonderful detectives were stolen from our lives. I'd really like to talk too you about her. I hope you don't mind listening. Then I will share another moment between Mac and I. I promise.

God... where to start. Um...

Her name was detective Jessica Angell. She was an amazing person, detective and wonderful friend to everyone. Thinking back to the Diakos case again I remember getting her involved with my scheme to snare George Kolovos and Sebastian Diakos, two Greek nationals who were searching for rare ancient coins. I had Angell lure Kolovos to the shipping yard where we tied him up inside and question him on Diakos whereabouts. After he informed us he was in Jersey City, we lock him in the crate and shipped him off to Cyprus to pay for his crimes.

Rushing to Jersey City with Angell to Diakos apartment we had the shock of our lives waiting for us. Diakos was laying dead on his floor with Greek coins covering both eyes. I mean... can you imagine? Here we thought we were ahead of our game. Yet we ended up two steps behind. Knowing we had no choice Angell and I call in his murder anonymously to NYPD. More discouraged then ever, Angell and I return to work where Mac confronts me about Diakos death.

In his office, I knew in my heart I should have been honest with him about Diakos. But how could I? I was to unsure. So taking the easy way out, I backed down and thanked him instead.

Anyway... again I digress dear diary, please forgive me. We were talking about Angell, not Mac. Sorry. Please allow me to continue. Um...

Angell's death. Yeah... that was it... God it's so hard to speak about without crying. Just give me a minute to catch my breath. Okay... I think I'm ready...

Angell was given the job to guard Conner Dunbrook. You see... he was set to testify against his father Robert Dunbrook that morning when a truck slammed through the diner window that Conner Dunbrook and Angell were eating at. Taking a few minutes for herself, Jess called Don. God.. I will never forget Don's call over the radio as he yelled he heard shots fired at... *crying* I'm sorry. Just give me a minute diary. Um...

Rushing to the scene Don found Angell bleeding from a gunshot wound to her abdomen and her shoulder. God... how heartbreaking it was when we were told that Don had carried Jess out in his arms.

I can still remember the call we received about showing up on scene for an officer down. We all knew what we were stepping into, but when it becomes someone close to you everything changes. It's no longer easy to focus on the task at hand. Especially for detective Don Flack who was so lost with pain from losing his Angell.

You see... they were secretly dating. That's right... not one of us knew. Anyway... once again I digress. I guess maybe because Don and Angell proved that best friends can indeed cross that line and survive.

I know... I know... digressing. Sorry, back to Angel...

Deep down I wished there was something I could have done to help my friend Don flack through this, but no amount of words, comfort or understanding would ease his hurt. Later that night our team decided to head over to our local bar and toast to Angell. Leaving the lab I say to Mac how hard it was to believe, that this day had even happened. As I look up into his eyes I can see the sadness as he tells me...

_"I wish there was a way to make sure it never had happened." _

Giving him another small smile of understanding, I ask him if he's coming to the bar as he intently stares at me and reply's... _"I'll be along in a few."_

God how I couldn't move from that moment our eyes locked and held. Moving in closer, I can feel my heart race from the closeness of him. Wrapping my arms around him, I lean in and kiss his cheek as I feel his warm hands once again embrace me. Sure that he felt the small shudder that coursed through me.

God how amazingly right it felt as his one hand rested on the middle of my back while his other lay across my lower back. Neither one of us ready to let go as we allow our friends death to absorb between us. Slowly moving myself away from his arms I give him one more look. A look that I'm sure he sees glazed in new found passion.

Walking away from his arms once more he softly brushes my hand, holding for a brief moment before letting go. Both of us wondering... why do we keep all these new feelings hidden? What is it we are waiting for? We both see it, both feel it. If only we could get past being afraid. Afraid of crossing that line from friends to lovers. You understand what I mean, diary? I know you do.

Anyway... I should be on my way to the bar. But I promise to fill you in on what took place with my next entry. Hopefully I'll have good news to share this time. Then again... one really never knows. Do we.

Thanks again for listening. Take care and write to you soon.

Stella.

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**Thanks for the reviews. This is different for me. But I thought it was time to try something new. A story can only take you so far before it runs its course. Diary entries can last a lifetime.**


	3. Epilogue

September 24th, 2009

Dear Diary,

I have allot to tell you and I know it's been a while. It's just so much has happened over the last few months that I've barely had time to write or think about anything except this on going case.

Anyway, um... that night in the bar. Our toast to Angell ended up in a drive by shooting. Leaving another of our team members in a wheelchair. Danny Messer was shot by the suspects who decided to open fire in the bar we were toasting at. God so much anger and hurtful pain filled us all that night. So many mistakes and painful regrets not only I made, but Mac and Danny too.

You see... shortly after the shooting I... um... went looking for comfort. Problem was, it wasn't with Mac. Let me tell you about it.

The nights that followed the shooting left us all with a feeling of emptiness. Knowing everyone had their own way of dealing with the pain, it left me to seek out warmth from another that should have never crossed my mind in that way, Adam Ross.

Now don't judge me on my mistake. Give me a chance to explain how I needed... no... how I... Oh God...

Um... I can honestly say...

I will never feel shame for having sex with Adam. He was there, I was there. I needed to know in that moment that I was still alive and able to still feel human contact. Even if that contact wasn't love, it was proof that I could still feel warmth and passion above so much violence and death. That comfort and hope from another living human was still possible.

_**I know I could have gone to Mac, but he would not have given me what I needed in that moment. He would have analyzed or tried to explain how this kind of contact wasn't necessary too know that we could still feel. But I didn't need that. I didn't need a lesson from Mac. What I needed was to feel a sense that human contact was still welcomed in my mind and soul.**_

All I knew in that moment was my soul felt like everything and everyone around me had been unable to feel anything but pain. I needed to know that pain wasn't the only thing that now existed in my everyday life. and I'm sorry if no one can understand that.

Everything I did that night is something I now have to face. Especially if this one time comes back to haunt Adam and I? At times I'm honestly not sure it will. Though deep down in my mind I just know it will have its repercussions on us. I guess at this point and time the most we can do is try and move past it.

I'm sure dear diary you are wondering if I will ever discuss this one night with Mac, and the answer would be yes. I'm sure Mac and I will need each others understanding again and that's when I'll have need to tell him of the evening I spent with Adam. I mean it's not something I can keep inside for long. Not with the feelings I fight each night of loving him as more then a friend.

Just as Mac and Danny will have their own haunts and demons with handling a call alone. Leading to a young girls death. Leaving me to once again bring Mac's judgment into question.

Let me explain...

Danny received a phone call from a young girl who had information about the drive by shooting and instead of calling in the whole team, Mac decided to handle it with Danny himself. So I had to call him on it. Whether Mac felt he had to do something about it or not, he needs to realize that he's not alone in this and he needs to stop making this case all about him, Dunbrook, or any other suspects he has plastered around his office.

After all he wasn't alone in the bar that night. "We." The whole team were there with him. I mean they could have been killed, and as if Danny hasn't been through enough, he's shot at again and the young girl is killed in cold blood. God sometimes Mac just doesn't think about the consequences his actions have on others.

*Sighing* Anyway...

Nearing the end of my shift I explain to Adam that while what we shared was wonderful, it cannot happen again. It just can't and as I walk down the hall into Mac's office we warmly smile at each other as we put the files away. We both realize no words are needed between us, for our eyes and hearts say all the other needs to know.

So now I sit alone in my apartment as I write to you dear diary with tears falling from my eyes. For I've now come to realize that the arms I accepted comfort from were not Mac's. That the aura, strength and scent of the shoulder my head came to rest on wasn't the shoulder of the man my heart and soul truly loves and needs to feel complete.

And that dear diary is something I'm not sure I'll ever feel again. I guess the following weeks will tell, and I'll be back to share each of those moments with you dear diary.

Thank for listening. I'll talk to you again soon,

Stella.


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